rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
