your parents love me but you hate me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
being pregnant is like rehab
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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