Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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