i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
