I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
