his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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