you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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