I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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