My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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