I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
