from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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