I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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