i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
