Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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