70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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