my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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