she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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