Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
