You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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