my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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