btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
