life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
