I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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