Need sex. Gaining weight.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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