I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
