tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
