Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
