I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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