So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
