Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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