I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
