if i can run in heels then i can drive
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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