this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
