Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
