he wants to bone in the snuggie
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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