I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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