I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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