So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
