I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
