He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
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I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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