Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
