so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
