Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
