I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
