If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
