You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
