You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
