I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you didnt know i had herpes?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
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its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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