you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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