at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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