you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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