You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
