Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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