My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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