Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Randomize
