apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Drunk is not a location!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
