The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
