Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My liver just broke up with me...
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
