She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
