Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
