I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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