My sheets look like a crime scene.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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